Perseverance is the Key

By Fr. Neil Buchlein

    A woman recently mentioned to me how she does not feel "on fire," but her heart feels cold and heavy, like stone. Many people feel that way from time to time and, yes, there are others who feel as if they are doing something wrong when it comes to prayer.

   Why should we be looking for this overwhelming feeling of "Holy Awe" when we pray? If we were meant to feel like this all of the time, then we would be "praying unceasingly" as St. Paul writes. Our prayer is for adoration as well as petition, but our sole intent should not be looking for something in return. We have received so much already, but I believe the problem lies in that we have not acknowledged it, or still want more.

   The nation celebrated Thanksgiving two months ago with parades, football games, and much food. It gave us "a moment" as a nation to be thankful. . .to a God that our nation seems to be pushing farther and farther away. Anyhow, every Eucharist we celebrate is a Thanksgiving, and that is the closest that we can get to Heaven while on earth. Every Mass that I celebrate, I am not on a "spiritual high," since I am human, and there are always some factor(s) that can be distracting me internally or externally at times. No matter how I feel, I have never, and would never, say to a Sunday or even a weekday congregation, "Sorry folks, this just isn't working for me today, so I'm just going to stop here, and you can continue to be silent and pray as I leave the altar."

   God may be using that moment or moments of "spiritual dryness" to bring me deeper into relationship with Him. During prayer, Satan can also be "lurking in the background," looking to distract and upset us, that we finally just give up. Look at what Mother Teresa of Calcutta endured! Who would have ever known about her "dark nights" and how unworthy she felt?

   We are called to persevere and to be Prayer Warriors. We certainly know that we can never run out of intentions to pray for; if so, look at the daily headlines, and that should prompt you. I believe that when we persevere is when we are even attaining more graces, because we are deliberately setting aside our weaknesses for a greater good. No football team has ever quit the beginning or the middle of the season because they felt they did not have anything good to contribute. Perseverance makes us stronger and does give us a deep sense of peace that God has, and is indeed, near to us. Jesus could have stopped after He fell the first time with the sins of humanity on his back, but He saw His mission to the end, even falling two more times.   In Luke 11:5-11 we read: And He said to them, “Suppose one of you has a friend to whom he goes at midnight and says, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, for a friend of mine has arrived at my house from a journey and I have nothing to offer him,' and he says in reply from within, 'Do not bother me; the door has already been locked and my children and I are already in bed. I cannot get up to give you anything.' I tell you, if he does not get up to give him the loaves because of their friendship, he will get up to give him whatever he needs because of his persistence.

And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

   May we continue to "ask, seek, and knock" for our Lord patiently waits for us to seek Him.

Editor’s note: Fr. Neil is from Hurricane, WV. You can visit his new website at www.blessedmotherschildren.com .

Update to Ivan’s Speaking Schedule

Feb. 4 –  4:30-8:00 PM, Mt. St. Mary's Abbey, 300 Arnold St., Wrentham, MA 02093 PRIVATE (all nuns invited)

               Contact: Carol @ 508-533-5377 X101

Feb. 11 – 5:00-8:00 PM Mass. Institute of Technology, MIT Chapel, MIT Build, W15 Mass Ave & Amherst St., Cambridge,                   MA 02138 All College Students invited

                Contact: Luigi @ lgadamo@gmail.com

Mar. 6 –   5-8:30 PM  St.  James Chapel, 2079 Matunuck Schoolhouse Rd. Charlestown, RI 02813 Contact: Fr Paul 401-364-7214,

Rosemarie 401-932-6102

Mar. 7 – 5-8:30 PM  St. Anne's Church, 75 King St., Littleton, MA 01460

              Contact: Gino @ 978-486-3157, Gino4Littleton@cs.com 6-9:30 PM

Mar 08 -  5-8:30PM,  2010 Holy Name Cathedral 735 N. State St., Chicago, Il 60611

               Contact: Dennis Johnson 312-643-1868,johnsond@ameritech.net

Apr 30  - 6-9:30 PM,  2010 St.  Joseph's Church 208 South Main St., Attleboro, MA 02703

               Contact: Maureen O'Brien 508-226-1239

Last month our folding machine broke down and 2700 newsletters had to be folded by hand. What a labor of love! We are grateful to our helpers last month. Louise Lotze, Vilma Smith, Cindy Bielanin, Vickie DeCoursey, Barb Sirianni, Dianne Yochim, Marge Spase, Dawn Schaaf and Gina Adams.  Because of your great generosity last year, we were able to purchase a new folding machine, which will make our work easier.  May you and your families be blessed abundantly in this New Year.

 

Thank you to Mike Golovich for his photos in this issue. And thank you to Susannah Klins for making more prayer cloths for us.

 

 

 

Below is the longer, unedited version of Fr. Geinzer's testimony:

 

Our God is a God of Surprises

By Fr. Patrick Geinzer, C.P.

 

On Christmas Eve 2006 I had the privilege of celebrating Mass in my former home parish of St. Philip in Crafton.  In attendance at this Mass was my nephew Paul Geinzer, his wife Michele and his two young children Gabriella and Mitchell.   Their presence added something special to Christmas Eve.  After Mass my nephew handed me a wrapped gift.  In it was a diary book with the note “To record your calling on the mountain and your life as a Passionist.  Enjoy your memories and self-discovery.”

   Paul had asked me several times in past years to set down this story and I have decided to do so before Christmas 2007 arrives.  This account is a limited autobiography, limited in the time frame it covers, and limited by my memory and insight.   What I write is not meant to put focus on myself, but to show the wonder of God and how God can move in one’s life.  God has great hopes for every person and the final destination of that hope is to share the Divine life in heaven.

     In writing this account I am relying on a few notations I made on calendars of 1986 and 1988 and a few journal notes I have made over the years.  I am a poor journal keeper and frequently skip whole years without a notation.

   By the time May 1988 arrived I had worked in the medical field for twenty  five years.  This encompassed time in Mercy Hospital, the U.S. Army, St. Joseph’s Hospital, Ohio valley General hospital as a registered medical technologist.  It also included time at Ohio valley Hospital and most recently for ten years again at Mercy hospital as a nuclear medicine technologist.  In May 1988 I “retired” from the medical technology field and made a major change in life and this story is written to fill in the details.

     I have come to see how God moves slowly in one’s life to prepare his plans and this preparation can be underway long before you recognize.  And it is also true that others may see the signs of God’s movements long before we recognize.   

    At my mother funeral wake in late April 1973 Bishop Vincent Leonard sat with us and spoke casually with us the children of Paul and Barbara Geinzer.   Then quite unexpectedly Bishop Leonard turned to me and said something to this effect.

“Pat, you could enter the seminary now without any trouble. You would only need about a year before entering theology studies.”   He continued on a little further along this line.   I was stunned; I had at that time no thought of the seminary or priesthood, nor did I feel or sense at all that God was calling me.  After some polite conversation the topic was changed.  

     My brother, Fr. John, on various occasions had spoken to me about his intuition that I was being called to the priesthood.  We talked about it several times.  But I can say in all honesty I had no interior awareness of any call from God , nor did I on self analysis see that I had the qualities to be a priest.  I had a sense from the time of my first entry into hospital work that this was where God seemed to have led me.  It also fit my scientific inclinations and desire to help people.

    During the early 1980’s  Bishop Leonard’s health resulted in his admission to Mercy hospital.  On one occasion the doctor’s ordered a test in our Nuclear Medicine department.  I was assigned to perform his scan.  While I was with him for about an hour he spoke to me again about his thoughts that I should consider becoming a priest.   These conversations were always awkward for me because I did not want to treat his suggestions lightly not dismiss them.  But I continued to have no sense within me that God was thinking the same thing as the bishop.

   As a member of St. Philip parish ‘s Society of St. Vincent DePaul I was encouraged to attend their annual retreat at St. Paul of the Cross retreat Center in Pittsburgh.   On the second retreat I attended with the men, sometime in about 1984-85 I decided to talk to one of the Passionist priests about my brother’s and the bishops persisting inquiries.  I talked with now deceased Fr. Ben Berlo, C.P.  The conclusion of his remarks went something like this.  “Be very polite with the bishop and your brother.  Just find some simple sincere way to tell them that you do not think that God is calling you to the priesthood.  After all bishops make misjudgments at times too.  Just be very respectful in your response.”   On my part this seemed to settle the case and I felt confident that this was good advice from Fr. Ben.  It is ironic that here I was talking to a Passionist priest and just a few years later I would be approaching this same monastery/ retreat center asking for admission to their community.     Our God is a God of surprises.

     In 1985 I decided that it was time for me to set longer range plans for my life.  For ten years I had been renting apartments and it seemed prudent for me to buy a home so that after retirement I would not have to continue to pay rent.  I wanted a small home, one that was probably too small for a family because I didn’t want to deprive any young family of a home.    I had saved enough money for a down payment and I calculated carefully just how much money I could afford on a monthly mortgage and utilities.  The second house I looked at was exactly in the right price range. I deliberately chose a fifteen year mortgage so that I would have the home paid for by age 62 and could either retire them or continue to work till age 65 to save a little more.  The down payment and closing cost brought my savings down to something like $2000.  This was adequate as long as I stayed healthy and lived rather frugal for a few years.

     My brother, John at this time was a spiritual director at Mt. St. Mary’s Seminary in Emmitsburg, Maryland.   A couple of times a year I would visit his there for a day or two.  As a spiritual director he was helping many men discern whether God was calling them to the priesthood and guiding them in their spiritual growth.

On my visit with John on May 3-4 1986 he showed me a homemade video from a family in eastern Pa. by the name of Karminsky.  They made this video in 1984 on their visit to the town of Medjugorje in Yugoslavia.  The video was focused on the Blessed Mother’s apparitions to six young persons living in that vicinity.   I remember being particularly struck by the whole idea of Mary appearing in out times and it was astonishing for me to see the video pictures taken of the six while Mary’s was actually appearing to them.  John also gave me literature he had on the subject and even a travel brochure advertising a pilgrimage to Medjugorje. 

    That evening I stayed up late reading and re-reading everything and reflecting on what I had seen.   I had no personal doubt that Mary was appearing to the youths.  I just did not think things like this would ever be happening in our time.   Somehow this meant that heaven in a sense was visiting earth in modern times.

    After returning to Pittsburgh and work I  found myself reflecting on this frequently.

    On May 31 I went to a movie at Cinema West.  I do not know what it was.  But I remember very clearly that as I was driving out of the theatre driveway toward route 60 I suddenly felt a strong desire to go to Medjugorje.   I couldn’t understand why this feeling came over me nor why it was so strong.   Many years later I learned the exact answer to my question.   The idea of going to Medjugorje had not crossed my mind before.  It seemed very imprudent for me to even consider it because this trip would cost about $1200.  It seemed like an illogical idea to me, but at the same time I had a strong desire to go there.  This type of strong desire was uncommon for me and I found it intellectually puzzling.

    For about a month I considered it and on June 29 I filled out and mailed a reservation form for a pilgrimage tour to Medjugorje.   I felt that I would not be able to satisfactorily explain to my brothers and sister why I wanted to go to Medjugorje so I decided not to tell them of my plans until close to departure.   I wanted to go there earlier that October but the travel agency sponsoring the trip asked me to please wait till October because of some arrangement difficulties they were having.   As I waited through the following months I reasoned tht this trip would be good for me.  It would replace my annual retreat at St. Paul’s retreat center.  I would have been in the vicinity of a place where church history was being made.  And it was even theoretically possible that I might see one of the six visionaries even if only at a great distance as a member of a large crowd of tourists.   I hoped that I might catch a glimpse of one of these holy youths to whom the Blessed Mother was appearing daily.  This was the extent of my expectations

     On Saturday October 18 I flew to New York and at JFK airport the travel group gathered together for a 6pmflight to Dubrovnik Yugoslavia.  I knew no one on the trip, but later I met a few people form Pittsburgh, some from Washington, D.C, and others from upper New York.   We arrived in Medjugorje by bus form Dubrovnik on October 19.   I did not learn till a couple years later that this date on the ordinary Church calendar is the feast day of St. Paul of the Cross, founder of the Passionist Congregation.

     There were no motels or hotels in the vicinity of Medjugorje.  The Communist government did not like all this religious activity in the village but apparently they did like the tourist dollars that came with the travelers.   We had to surrender our passports not just show them to the authorities.  They were returned to us four or five days later.  Small groups of the 160 American tourists were let out of the bus at small farm homes and I stayed on the second floor dormitory style bedroom of the farm family Mr. and Mrs. Stanko Vasil Grlic.   Stanko walked our group of eight pilgrims over to St. James Parish church for the 5 Pm Sunday Mass.  We were there early but we could not get in, it was packed.  The church holds about 1600 people and many looked to be in their 20’s.  I was struck by the young age of many present for that Mass; young men in leather jackets pushing their way (as Europeans do) into the church.  The Mass was in Croatian.

     I remember only a few things from Monday and Tuesday.  From my diary I notice that we had Mass in English at 10 AM the weather was cool and rainy.  It was necessary to carry water in your back pack along with a few simple food items for  lunch, a flashlight because of no street lights and the early darkness.  We were away form the farm house until dinner time.  Restaurants were few and rather expensive.

   On Monday at the 10 AM Mass in English I clearly remember that the priest’s sermon contained this advice.  Everyone should turn his or her life over to God. Let God led your life.  It makes no difference what your vocation is.  If you are married let God lead your marriage.   He also advised us that when we return to our countries we should try to do something for our church.    I remember reflecting that his sermon broadened my concept of “vocation”.    I always held that God lead and guided the lives of religious and priests, but not laypersons.   And I considered that only clergy and religious turned their lives over to God.     As I prayed after Mass I asked myself if I was willing to turn my life over to God as a layman.  I speculated that this meant that if God wanted you to make some change in your life in some way you would be fully open to following.  I asked myself , “What if God wanted me to move to another hospital or live in a different place would I be willing to change?”  In the privacy of my own mind and heart I realized that I was not open to change now.  I had purchased my home and had finally settled into a rather long range plan for my life.  As I reflected I recognized in my heart that I did not have an open attitude and I realized that this was not good.   So, as I prayed in church I asked God for the grace to become open to the idea of turning my life over to Him.

       Sometime after Mass we walked up to Mount Podbrdo, the sight of the first several apparitions and prayed there.  Accompanying me was Dr. Edward Sweeney, a young retired dentist.  He was retired because he had a brain tumor that had deprived him of his vision.  He stayed with me all the time and I guided him throughout our days in Medjugorje.  He was hoping for a cure which ultimately did not come.  The climb up this rather gradual hill with Ed was difficult because it is nothing but boulders and rocks, an easy place to twist your ankles.  We prayed there quietly and I prayed for my family members and co-workers and a few other people.   This is such a holy place. The place where Mary first chose to appear five years ago, and Mary was still appearing daily but now in the parish rectory building. 

       The Communist government forbade any of the foolish religious stuff, the gather of people for the apparitions, to take place anywhere outside of church grounds.  And the local bishop, who was very skeptical of the apparitions, forbade any such gathering in St. James Parish church.  So the local Franciscan priests of the parish allowed the visionaries to come to their small rectory every evening at about 5pm for the rosary and apparitions at about 5:40 pm.

      Ed and I were much slower coming down the hill than our fellow pilgrims.  As a result by the time we reached the village at the base of the hill most were gone.  As we walked through the narrow streets Vicka, one of the visionaries came out of her home.   I recognized her from pictures in the books on Medjugorje.  She smiled and went into someone else’s home.    I had read much about Vicka, she was the extravert in the group of six visionaries, but was in a period where Mary would not appear to her for forty days as Vicka’s personal sacrifice at Mary’s request.  This was her sacrifice offered for some spiritual good.  As it turned out Vicka’s forty days had just been completed and when we saw her she had just had minutes earlier had her first apparition in over a month.   News items like this travel fast and our tour spiritual leader, Fr. Alfred Winshman, S.J. informed this of us the data the next day.   As I saw Vicka I felt that my hope to see one of the visionaries had been fulfilled.   We walked back toward St. James Church less than a mile away.  As we passed the rectory we saw Jacov and Maria, two other visionaries come out of the rectory.  This was absolute icing on the cake.  We had seen very quickly three visionaries.

  As we made the one mile walk back to the farm house for dinner Ed fell.  As he walked beside me I took my eyes off him for a moment and he fell into a ditch injuring his leg.  I felt bad and realized that I would have to keep constant watch over him whenever he was with me.   He was almost totally blind.  At times he accompanied other persons in the group.

    Tuesday was a day of prayer and purchasing of religious gifts.  We were told, as was also reported in the books about Medjugorje, that Mary blesses any religious goods taken into the apparition room so we all marked and gathered our religious items for someone to take them into the apparition room that evening.   That evening Ed and I stood outside the rectory from 5pm to 5:50 and joined people from many countries saying the rosary.   I do not know in what language the rosary was led, probably Italian because there were many Italian pilgrims there along with French, and Irish.  The crowd filled the area in front of the rectory and I would guess that it was several hundred persons.  We were told that normally appears to the visionaries inside the rectory at about 5:45 pm.   This was observed as a period of silence.   We then joined the large crowd for the 5 Pm Mass in Croatian and took a small taxi back to the farmhouse for dinner and conversation.

 

Wednesday October 22 – the day I will always remember.

  The account of this day comes from my current memory and notes I made in my diary the following day, October 23.

   At about 6:30 Am I walked through the fields of the farm and prayed.  Mass in English at 10 AM followed by talk by our spiritual leader, Fr. Winshman.

At 12:30 Mr. (Sir) John Hodson approached.  He was the owner of Catholic Travel Agency which was conducting this pilgrimage and was responsible for all of our arrangements.  He said to me, “Be at the side of the rectory building at 4:30Pm.  I will see what I can do. I can’t promise anything.”   Immediately I knew what he meant.  He was going to try to get me into the rectory for the apparition that evening at 5:45Pm.  I right away told him about Ed Sweeney being with me.  He immediately went over to Ed and told him the same thing. Giving him the same uncertain invitation.   We had four hours to fill.  I felt very determined that I wanted to go up the much higher Mount Krizevec.  It was a determination almost as strong as a compulsion.  Ed decided that he would not go.  I told him that I would check out how rough the trail was and if it seemed possible I would take him up Mt. Krezevec  on Thursday.  I ate lunch as I walked wanting to make time so that I could climb to the top and get down in plenty of time for our 4:30 meting with Mr. John Hodgson.  

    Mt. Krezevac was the site of many of Mary’s apparitions.  There is a switch-back walking trail up this mountain.  At he point of the change in direction of the switchback there is a Station of the Cross.  At the very top of the mount is a huge concrete cross that had been built here fifty years previously by the people of the farm valley composed of five small villages.   Medjugorje is the village that lies at the base of Mt. Krezevec.  The communist government did not destroy the cross on the top but they forbade the people to go celebrate Mass up there except on one day of the year, the Feast of Triumph of the Cross, September 14.   Now that tourists are coming people are free to go up there at any time but the six visionaries are not allowed to go up there for an apparition unless they forst receive the permission of the communist government.

    My purpose for going up the hill was not to pray the stations of the cross but to see the sight, get some pictures , and evaluate whether it was smooth enough for me to take Ed up the next day.   It was soon very clear to me that this pathway was too rocky for Ed.  I would have to tell him it would too dangerous for him even with my accompanying him.    As I hurried up the hill and passed the quickly first station of the cross I felt a voice inside say, “This is a mountain for praying not for sight seeing.”   I was very surprised that such a strange though or idea would come to me.  With this interior voice came also a heavy serious feeling that the message was important.  I ignored this “thought” and hurried on.  As I passed each station of the cross the same voice spoke again and again, “This is a mountain for prayer not for sightseeing.”   And each time the feeling inside me grew heavier and stronger.  I attributed this voice to myself and my own thinking, but it worried me that it was so much unlike me to think this way. I wondered what could be wrong with myself.  I thought, “Tomorrow I could pray as I go up the hill.”

By the time I reached the fifth station the voice and feeling were so heavy that I decided that I needed to get off that mountain as quickly as I could.  I started down and moved quickly feeling that as soon as I got down everything would be back to normal and the voice and feeling would go away.  It is a good thing no one was with me because I would not have wanted to explain to anyone why I was urgently leaving when I originally was determined to get to the top.

    As I reached the bottom of the hill there was a small group of English speaking teenagers who were just starting up.  I said hello to them with the intent of moving on.  But one of the teenage girls said to me, “Mr. were are going up the mountain to say the Stations of the Cross.  Do you want to join us?”   As a grown adult I did not want to give them bad example and say  NO.    So I replied something to the effect that I was in a hurry to go somewhere but I would be willing to go with them to the first station only.  Now I think back.  Here were teenagers inviting me to do the very thing the voice was speaking about.  And I wonder why they asked me to accompany them since it would seem to me that they saw that I was just coming off the mountain. Why would I want to go back up?

    We started up the switchback.  We they stopped at the first station the they said some prayers and read a printed meditation.  I remember clearly thinking to myself what a very special meditation this was.   Once this station was completed and they were ready to start upward I was all ready to tell them I had to leave them when unexpectedly the same voice said within me, “No, one more station.”   I was very surprised and rather than resist or explain myself I decide to go to the second station.   At the second station we preyed again and then another beautiful meditation.  Now I was really ready to depart and start down.  But the voice came again and said,  “No, one more station.”  I was off to the third station.  And at the end of the meditation prayer the voice gave me the same message to go one more station.    I know I was perplexed by what was gong on within me, but I suppose that by now I realized that this voice was quite probably from a spiritual source outside of myself. 

     At he fourth station I heard the voice again tell me to go on for one more station as it had previously.  In the meantime the prayers and beautiful meditations were calming me down.  When we reached the fifth station I was again at the physical place on the mountain where I had earlier been when I decided I should quickly get off this mountain.  The only thing was that I had arrived at this fifth station through the process of praying the stations.  The voice had earlier told me that this was a mountain for prayer not for sightseeing.  I wondered if the voice would tell me to go al the way up to the fourteenth station.   As the meditation for the fifth station was completed something was different .  There was no voice , no message to go on. 

    I felt relaxed and sensed interiorly that it was okay for me to start down the mount.  I said good-by and parted from the teenagers and started down.

    Somewhere early in this descent I stopped and took two pictures.  One was a distant view of Mt. Podbrdo where I could faintly see the well worn region where Mary first appeared.   The second picture was a view across the valley to the distant church of St. James, the parish of this region ant the visionaries.  I have an enlarged copy of this picture in my room as a reminder to me of the many events of this day.

     The sky was clear and I decided to stop and reflect for a while.   The memory came to my mind of that first sermon on Monday when the priest asked everyone to turn their life over to God.   I remembered for the first time my prayer that day asking God for the desire to turn my life over to Him.  I thought for a while and asked myself if I was ready to do this.  In my self honesty I realized that II was still hesitant.  Then I began to soften.  I though I could make a change if God wanted me to work at a different hospital.  I could confidently do something different or something additional for my parish or otherwise.  I realized while standing there my heart was changing.  And within a few minutes I felt confident that I could turn my life over to God.  With confidence and peace in my heart and without any internal resistance I held out my hand and prayed inside to this effect, “ Lord I turn my life over to you, but if you want me to do anything different you will have to let me know some way, because right now I suppose you want me to keep working and doing what I am now doing.”   I felt very relieved and confident that I could make a change if by some chance God wanted a change or something additional. 

    Then I picked my journey down the mount.    After a short distance the voice came tome again.    The voice instructed me to go back to the farmhouse where we were staying and to leave my cameras there, leave my tape recorder, leave my flashlight.  It told me to keep only my small New Testament Bible in my backpack and keep the small pamphlet of Mary’s prior messages and anything in my pockets.  This meant that I also had to leave my water bottle there and any of those other items in my backpack.  I did not want to resist this messenger; I had just turned my life over to God.  I realized that there would be problems later in the evening because of not having a flashlight to find our way back to the farmhouse after the 5PM Mass.

I went to the farmhouse,  washed up a bit and started out for St. James Church and my agreed upon place to meet Ed.   

     At 3:45 Pm I met Ed at the side of the rectory.  A crowd was already gather there in anticipation of the 5 Pm rosary and 5:45 apparition time.  Ed immediately asked me how smooth the trail was up the mountain.   I could not immediately tell him the truth so I said nothing for a moment.  He read my silence and said he realized them that it must be too rugged.   He told me that it was okay he didn’t need to go up the mountain.   He gave me a crucifix he had just purchased for me as a gift.

    At 4:30 we moved into the large crowd gathered at the rectory. We met Mr. John Hodgson.   He edged closer to the person who guarded the outside steps to the second floor of the rectory.  This was the primary entrance.  He waived a sheet of paper ,perhaps a special permit letter to allow entrance into the rectory.  After much waiting and reluctance the guard let Mr. Hodgson in but not Ed nor myself.   In the meantime the crowd was pushing and shoving.  I was afraid that ed would be knocked down and hurt.  I told ed that it wasn’t for us to get in the rectory and we agreed we would be just as satisfied to stand at a distance outside as we did on Monday.   I wanted led to get in hoping for a cure for him.  We moved out of the crowd and to the back for safety.   After a few minutes Mr. Hodgson came out of the rectory, down the steps and started to call for “the Americans”.   I moved Ed into the crowd and they graciously parted and let us through.  The guard let Ed through and Mr. Hodgson grabbed me and said, “Go in the peace of God.”   As I moved up the steps I felt almost totally unbelieving of the privilege I was given with so many in the crowd.   There was a narrow hallway and room immediately to the left. It was filled with people many who seemed to have various afflictions.  The few of us in the hallway were told to get into the room. I waited till last because I saw there was almost no space.  An Irish woman named Anita said to me, You are small, you will be able to knell in the doorway.”  So I did.  The room looked like a small simple office with a covered bed and not much more.  It probably sufficed for both when not used as the “apparition room”.  Within a few minutes Jacov and Maria arrived.  They noticed how packed the room was so Maria knelt in the doorway next to me and Jacov knelt out in the hallway.   I could hardly believe the privilege I had .  These were holy persons whom I hope I might see at a distance if I were lucky, and now I was with them.  If I so much as moved my left arm I brushed Maria. 

   The rosary began with the Joyful mysteries.  Each decade was led in a different language.  It was being led by various persons in the room.  I used my rosary which Bishop Leonard had given me many years ago.  Probably more that one decade was in the native language of Croatian.   After four days of hearing Croatian I could tell at least which prayer they were saying and about where they were within a given prayer.  We moved through the Joyful mysteries.  Periodically Jacov moved up to Maria and reached between she and I to tap Maria on the shoulder.  She would look at her watch and shake her head, no.  I saw that Jacov wore a digital watch, but the next time he reached between us I saw that the face of the watch had no time displayed, the battery was dead.  Jacov at this time was 15 years old and was active and figgety as any young teenager might be.  He sat on the floor for some decades of the rosary, then would kneel up for a while, then get into another position.  Maria was at this time about 21 years old and by contrast her posture was very still and reverent during the prayers.

    I realized that in a few more minutes they would need to be together for the apparition.   I presumed they would want to be together which meant that I needed  to change places with Jacov.  I did not want to interrupt his praying so when they announced a decade in Spanish and someone started to give a meditation in Spanish I turned to Jacov and made hand gestures inviting him to change places with me. He acknowledged my sign language but shook his head, no. 

   By this time we were probably beginning the Sorrowful mysteries.  I looked at the crucifix on the wall and remarked to myself how well made and inspiring it was.   Just a few minutes later a voice said to me, “CAN YOU PREACH MY PASSION?”

I was startled.  I had a sense within me that this was a question I should answer right now.  I thought along these lines, “I do not do any preaching at all.  But I remember a few years ago reading a small booklet about the visions of a saint who saw the Passion of Jesus in detail.”   That reading touched me and I perhaps recalled some of it again.   I felt that I needed to try to answer this surprising question now.  My thinking went on such as, “Well I don’t do any preaching but if the occasion came up I could preach something on the Passion.

So I decided to answer the question presented to me by this voice.    I said, “YES.”

 Immediately the voice returned with the words,  “BECOME A PASSIONIST”

It was like a shock going through me.  This was something totally unexpected.  This was an invitation, a challenge, a call to become a priest !  And not only that, it was a call to become a Passionist priest !   I knew that the Passionists took four vows and I always though that three was enough for a religious.  This challenge to become a Passionist was a total shock to me!   My mind was spinning.  I thought,” maybe everyone in the room heard the words and they were possibly meant for someone else.”   I tried to explore this possibility, but it did not seen very likely to me even in my shocked state.

     Within a very few minutes , about 5:40 PM, Jacov and Maria stood up and walked carefully into the room.  All was silent for a moment.  Maria and Jacov knelt in front of the sofa bed and faced the crucifix on the wall and began to pray in Croatian, I believe it was the Our Father.  Then the apparition started .   I was just about six feet from them looking at them in side profile.  Then the apparition began and they became silent.  I could see Maria’s lips move as words were formed but no sound could be heard.  The room was silent.  I could see her nod several time as if saying yes to the person she saw.  It was a back and forth conversation. Maria knelt very straight but relaxed.  I could hardly see Jacov because Maria’s profile block my view of him.  A couple of minutes into the apparition suddenly their voices could be heard very loud.  I could tell that they were praying the Lord’s prayer in Croatian.  At the end of the prayer they became silent again for another minute or so.  During this whole time of the apparition Maria was staring in one direction.  Someone had her undivided attention.  A minute or so passed in silence then they stood up together still staring upward in the same direction and blessed themselves. It was the end of their apparition which seemed to last about three or four minutes.

     During the apparition I stared at the bookcase and crucifix in the direction Mary was appearing but saw nothing unusual.  I prayed that I was offering my life to God in whatever way he wanted to lead me.

    Jacov and Maria left the room quickly.  I touched Jacov on the sleeve as he left the room.   I was the first pilgrim out of the apparition room and down the outside steps.  I felt the eyes of hundreds of people and hoped they were not jealous of me for the privilege I had. 

  It was now 5:50 PM so we went over to St. James Church just a few yards away for the Croatian Mass.  It was so crowded that we could barely get in.  We stood in a sea of people crowded in the isles and pews.  Being short I could not see the sanctuary at all.   The impact of what we had witnessed and I had heard began to sink in.  I was shaking in my knees, unsuccessfully trying to hold back tears.  I had such a lump in my throat I could not sing or say the prayers.  I felt very happy  and felt genuinely humbled by the experiences.  I don’t know how I held together because of the emotional and spiritual that had filled the whole day.  During this Mass I could not see the altar, nor understand the language in which Mass was being offered.    I prayed that God would give me some sign if he was calling me to be a priest.   No one could move up toward the altar to receive Communion, so the priests waded into the congregation and reached out at full arms length to distribute communion.  I had to reach out as far as I could to receive Communion in my hand.  The Communion was one of my most profound receptions of Jesus in the Eucharist in my life. 

     This was absolutely the most profound spiritual days in my life and little did I know at that time that it was in no way yet finished.

     Ed had told me that he wanted to stay after this Mass for the healing service that would follow.  I had agreed to stay with him.  

     Just before the final blessing there was a period for announcements in different languages by group leaders.  When it came time for the one minute announcement in English our spiritual leader did not take the microphone.  In his place Fr. Vincent Cvitkovic, OFM, a pilgrim from Ambridge, Pa. took the microphone.  He said that there was an urgent meeting for the Americans only outside the church immediately.  The thought went through my mind that there was some problem with our passports which had not yet been returned to us after four days.  I told Ed to stay exactly where he was , I would go out to find out what the problem was and return to tell him. 

     Immediately outside we saw Fr. Winshman and he had a wonderful yet shocking message.   He told us that during the evening apparition Mary had requested that the teenage small prayer group come up  Mount Krizevac tonight for a special apparition at 10:30 PM.  She also told Jacov and Maria where Fr. Vincent Cvitkovic and been during the day and what he had been doing.   She said that Fr. Vincent had taken a day away from that he had climbed Mt Krizevac and was saying the stations of the cross up on the top.  Mary told Jacov and Maria to tell Fr. Vince to ask the American pilgrims who came on his plane to come to the apparition tonight on the mountain.    ( This story is also reported in one of the books about  Medjugorje written a few yeas later.  I do not recall the title nor author.) 

   I was again stunned to hear this good news.  I told Fr. Winshman about Ed’s desire to stay for the healing service.  He said the mountain climb was rough, but to leave the decision to Ed.   I quickly went into the church and whispered the full message to Ed.  He immediately said he wanted to go up the mountain.

    I realized full well now that we could not make it even to the base of the hill without a flashlight.  It was pitch black outside except to stars and occasional passing car headlights.  During Mass I had though to myself that when we got outside church I would try to borrow a flashlight from someone.  Then the voice came to me and said, “No don’t do this, only if Lena offers you a flashlight.”  Once outside Church with Ed no one was in sight. The other Americans had probably left for the mount.   I told Ed I had no flashlight and he was very surprised and asked me  WHY.   I told him I could not explain it now, because I certainly was not going to tell hem at this time about my experience earlier in the day on Mt. Krizevac and the voice telling me to take almost everything back to the farm house including my flashlight.    Very slowly we made our way along the narrow road in the direction of our farmhouse and Mt. K.  Occasionally a car passed us and I could see ahead about one hundred feet or so to see if there were any potholes or if the road curved.   It was the near blind leading the blind.  But we made it to the base of Mt. K and the beginning of the trail.   I asked Ed to stay there while I made my way back to the farmhouse with the intention of seeing if any of our American group was there and had not heard about the invitation.  I stumbled and fell several times trying to find my way, but finally, I arrived in the farm driveway.  There was a small taxi there and I could see a few persons in it.  I went over and they opened the door and greeted me.  Everyone knew about the apparition invitation and they were headed for the base of the mount where I left Ed.  We unanimously decided to skip dinner because the climb to the top was long and difficult at night.  As I got into the cab with them I saw in the cab Lena, Cathy, and Larry.  I told them that Ed was at the base of the mount and that he wanted to go up.  They all agreed that it would be very difficult if at all possible to get him up to the top.  I then said that I had another problem, I did not have a flashlight.  They then said that they had two and we could all go together. Lena and Cathy handed me one of their flashlights.  I recalled the voice in Church telling me not to borrow anyone’s flashlight but “only if Lena offers you a flashlight.”

  I realized this voice was really coming from someone or more that one person but not from myself.  That meant that everything I heard today was truly from heaven.   The words asking me, “Can you preach my Passion” would make sense only if they were from Jesus.  The other voice which on the mountain was very heavy and strong could also have been from Jesus or perhaps an angel. The words in the afternoon about leaving almost everything in the farmhouse seemed some much more gentle if my memory is not failing me now.  This also is my 20 years later recollection of these words relating to ‘borrowing the flashlight’.

    As I look back now, God was teaching me through a practical experience to Trust Him, to take the necessary risk and trust Him.   I also learned an important lesson about God’s ways.  God will supply you what he wants to give you, BUT perhaps only at the last minute before you need it.  Trust Him.  I needed this lesson.

    Slowly we worked our way up the mountain.  Larry held Ed on one side and I on the other.  The trail was very narrow at places and only one person could pass at time.   We had to coach Ed to climb up come rather large boulders in the path.  They were far to high to call steps.   It took an hour and a half in the dark but we and many  other made it to the top.  It was pitch black but our eyes were very well night adapted.  The air was very cool an stars were quite visible.  We prayed the Rosary in English led by someone with a deep southern accent.     Then Maria’s prayer group arrived and moved to the base of the large concrete crucifix.  They prayed and sang with guitar accompaniment. It was 10:30 PM.  Then they asked everyone to kneel on the ground and not to take any flash pictures.  It was like kneeling on broken glass.

I prayed for my family and people I worked with.  After a few more prayers all became silent and we knew that Maria was experiencing an apparition of Mary.  I could not see Maria but after a minute I heard her voice alone saying the Our Father in Croatian just as occurred during the apparition earlier in the evening.  The apparition ended several minutes later followed by group prayer. 

     This was classified as a public apparition especially since certain groups had been specifically invited by the Blessed Mother to come.  Therefore, the words of Mary to Maria could be made public.  Maria apparently dictated Mary’s words into a recorder and it was played back out loud.  Someone in the group translated the words form Croatian into Italian.  Then another person translated the message form Italian into English for our benefit.  There were many Italians on the mountain.  Presumably they also had been invited.   

This is the substance of Mary’s message  which was retranslated the following day directly from Croatian into English.

“ When Mary appeared she was very happy and she thanked everyone for the sacrifices they made in coming up the mountain.  They she told us to pray for peace especially during the next few days ( or in these times ).  Maria said that Mary was crying, which is something the visionaries seldom see.  She was crying and some of her tears fell into the cloud on which she is always standing.  She again asked everyone to pray for peace. And Mary said the she cannot do anything without us.  She then gave everyone her special blessing and said that we can take this blessing back to our homes.  Then Mary left.

    A more detailed and accurate translation of this message is available form outside sources.  Sometime later Maria said much more about Mary’s special blessing. According to Maria it is a blessing that helps people toward conversion of heart.  Anyone who was present at those specific apparitions when Mary gives her special blessing are able to pass on that blessing to anyone they choose to give it.  It can be done silently, or with spoken words and it can be given to those not even physically present to the person who is giving this blessing.   During my priesthood I have frequently given this blessing silently to everyone attending Mass.  Frequently when hearing confessions as a priest I give this blessing to a penitent.

    Just before we started down the mountain Lena asked me what I had seen during the apparition.  I told her I saw only the cross and the people nearby.  She told me she saw the sillouette  of Mary in white under the cross.  A few days later Cathy told me privately that during the apparition she saw Christ hanging on the cross wearing rags.  His head was bowed way down.  She was frightened and looked away.  Then she looked back and still saw him again.  Cathy told me she had been too frightened to tell anyone.   Ed was not cured during this pilgrimage but he seemed very happy.

      It required about an hour and a half to descend the mountain;  we arrived back at the farmhouse at midnight.

       The next day I only wanted to pray and reflect on what had happened.

Fr. Winshman gave us a full translation of Mary’s message on the mountain and I tape recorded his words.  Later that afternoon we visited Ivanka, one of the visionaries at here home and we all had an opportunity to shake hands with her.  Ivanka at this time had already received all ten secrets and Mary appeared to her only once a year.   Ivanka was the first visionary to marry and I think she was married prior to our pilgrimage in Oct. 1986.

    On Friday our last day in Medjugorje I walked to Mt. Podbrdo for prayer and I renewed my decision to turn my life over to God as He saw to direct me.  We heard Mary’s new  Thursday “message to St. James Parish.   It paralleled Mary’s call for prayer for peace that she had given on the mountain on Wednesday. 

   The call to pray for peace and to reflect on my experiences was so pervading within me that I didn’t even like to spend time writing in my diary log.

   The total experience of Medjugorje was so powerful that I needed much time and prayer to comprehend all that took place and to follow through with decisions and actions.

    At this time 2i years later ido not think I shared my full experiences with anyone for a long time.  I told my family much of what I experienced except the very important part of Jesus call to me to Preach his Passion and become a Passionist.   It wasn’t until Easter Sunday 1987 that I told my brother John  and sister Mary Ann who were gathered at my home for dinner that Easter.

 

    When I returned from Medjugorje I was so anxious to tell people about it, and  I ended up receiving several request to speak to parish groups and to the Felician sisters in Coraoplolis.  This is the same person who declined a prior request of my pastor to become a lector because I felt I could not speak in front of a group of people. 

   

    Three weeks after returning from Medjugorje I remember one evening coming home from work, placing my car keys on the dining room table and then realizing there was a new feeling within me.  This was a feeling I had not had the day before, or the week before, nor any time in my life before.  The new feeling that had come within me was that I NOW WANTED TO BE A PRIEST !   I wanted to be a priest !  It was not just that I was called by Someone of outside myself to be a priest, I now of my own desire wanted to be a priest.  This “missing piece” was now in place.

 

         When I recounted to my family and friends about my personal experiences in Medjugorje I carefully left out the experience of the voice in the apparition room asking me , “Can you  preach my Passion?” and, “Become a Passionist.”

     My family would immediately recognize a vocation call and begin to encourage me or pressure me to move forward immediately.   But I felt a need to make an unbiased and decision with out pressure.  I needed a priest spiritual director.  It is ironic that at this particular time my brother, John, was a spiritual director at Mt. St. Mary’s Seminary in Emmitsburg, Maryland.

   I decided not to visit the Passionist Monastery and retreat Center for the same reason.  I figured they would be so anxious to get a new vocation prospect that everything would be rushed without reflection.

 

     Bishop Leonard was retired and knew all the priests of the diocese.  It was to him that I turned seeking his recommendation for a spiritual director.  We met in February 1987.  He asked me for a general idea of the area of my concern or interest.  I responded something on the order of, “vocation related”.   Without looking at me he walked over to his bookshelf and with his back to me said, “Pat, don’t wait for someone to tap you on the shoulder.”  I clearly remember not responding to his words but thinking to myself, “Someone already did.”   Bishop Leonard then told me he had a good priest in mind, but he was on vacation and that he would call me when the meeting could be arranged.  

     I had many self doubts about my suitability for the priesthood.   Looking at myself in the light of my priest brothers’ intellectual and spiritual and temperament qualities, I could not see myself being qualified for the priesthood.   Why would God call me?   From a self analysis perspective I did not seem to be priesthood material.  At age 46 I reasoned that seminary studies would be beyond my capacity now.   Everyone in the family knew how forgetful I was becoming.   That would not be helpful during a theology exam.   I was very scientific in my way of thinking and consistently did very poorly in English composition.  Scriptures require more of a right-brained person to see the spiritual message beyond the words and to understand its meaning.  I was very slow when it came to understanding and interpreting poetry.   When we analyzed a poem in high school or college English literature class I became silent because I didn’t know where they were going or what the poet was trying to convey.    Priests need a poetic intuition to understand Scriptures and subtle spiritual concepts that are often expressed in metaphors. 

    There was also the fact that I was terrified to get up in front of a group of people.  Priest’s have to be very comfortable in that environment.  My pastor, Msgr. Garland, had asked me a few years earlier to become a lector for Mass and I declined for this reason.  But I told the pastor I needed to decline because my hospital work schedule often included Saturdays and Sundays.  This was true but I always had my schedule well in advance.   I had other self doubts some of which I can no longer remember.   All of this had to be placed before a spiritual director along with my experiences in Medjugorje for prudent discernment.     Why would God call someone to do a job for which he was so unsuited?

     Weeks passed without a call from Bishop Leonard.   Then he called and gave me the name of Fr. George Deville, who at that time was Catholic chaplain at a state mental hospital.   I had to smile to myself when the Bishop told me where Fr. George ministered.  Maybe the bishop thought I had something serious to deal with?

    I met Fr. Deville in late Winter 1987.  During my first session with him I related my experiences of Medjugorje, and listed carefully all of my negative attributes as far as the priesthood was concerned and my new desire to be a priest.  Then he responded.  I remember clearly his words,  “I think your reasons for thinking you do not have a vocation are very poor.”    It felt like a great gray cloud was lifted from my mind and heart.    I wanted to believe him and I trusted him.

    The second time we met was early in Holy Week of 1987.  That previous Sunday’s Pittsburgh Catholic had an announcement of a special Good Friday service at the Passionist Monastery church.   During my second meeting with Fr. George I simply mentioned that I had noticed this advertisement in the paper.   Our meting was short.  He said that it was time for me to go to the Passionists to tell them everything, that he had done for me what I needed.  Then he said that the very fact that I noticed this article in the Pittsburgh Catholic was a sign that it was the right time to approach the Passionist Community at St. Paul’s Monastery.

    In 2007 I met Fr. Deville again at St. Paul’s Retreat Center.   I don’t’ think we had seen each other since that Holy Week in 1987.  He recounted to me how upset Bishop Leonard was with him when the bishop learned that I was not coming to the diocesan priesthood, but to the Passionsit Community.   Fr. George said he just responded to the bishop, “Well, he will be serving the same church.”    Two years later a couple of days after Christmas I visited Bishop Leonard and he expressed great interest in how I was doing never mentioning any disappointment.  He went over to his bookcase on that occasion and pulled out a special edition of Thomas A Kempis’ book Imitation of Christ.  I noted on the inside leaf of the book the date I received that gift written, December 28, 1989.   Bishop Leonard wrote a letter of recommendation to the passionist congregation for my admission.

 

      On Good Friday 1987  I went to St. Paul’s passionist monastery Church with the intention of  attending services and afterward requesting a future appointment with one of the priest to discuss my growing desire to become a priest in their community.    But for me the Good Friday  service at St. Paul’s1987 was a period of great interior struggle and anxiety which seemed to get worse as the service moved on.    When the three hour service concluded I felt discouraged and convinced that I could not be a good priest, I was not the right material.  As the congregation got up to leave I decided it would be best to forget everything, not ask for an appointment, just leave and go home. 

    I started to walk back down the center isle toward the exit.  But then I heard a voice within me say very clearly and with strength,  “I am still with you !”

   I was shocked just as I had been in Medjugorje.  This was like the voice I had heard last October 22 in the apparition room.   I immediately got into a back pew of the church and knelt there shocked but greatly encouraged.   With this encouragement from what I felt must have been Christ speaking to me, I went up toward the sanctuary.  There I saw a passionist brother and asked if I could see a priest, any priest.   He came back after a long interval and said he could not find the priest “on duty” for the day, but if I promised not to delay the priest for more than a few minutes he stop the first priest he saw and ask him to see me.  I assured him I only needed a minute to set a future appointment.   He came back with Fr. Edwin Moran, C.P.   Fr. Moran and I talked for a few minutes and then I said to him that I probably need to make an appointment with a vocation director.  He responded that I was lucky because he just happened to be the local vocation coordinator.  We talked for over two hours.  At the end he said , “I think you have a vocation, but you have a serious problem.  You are too old.”   I had not considered my age as an absolute problem just a source of difficulty in studies.  Fr. Edwin offered to see me again in a few days and during the interval he would talk with the Vocation Director for the whole province.  Fr. Edwin seemed to me to be  personally convinced that I had a call from God .  But just recently the congregation had decided not to accept any applicant over the age of 30 years.  I was forty six.    I went home with mixed feelings, but I thought that the age factor would somehow be solved.  God was helping and intervening as he did when I was discouraged that afternoon..

     Fr. Edwin later told me that the vocation director told him “no”.  I really was too old to change , to adapt especially as far as taking vows is concerned.  With persistence from Fr. Edwin , the Vocation Director suggested that I see Fr. Tim Fitzgerald as a spiritual director and to get his opinion after a while.  This was a crack in the door that gradually grew wider and wider.

 

  Two days later, on Easter Sunday March, 1987,  some of my family gathered at my home for dinner.   I cannot now remember who was present although it was a very memorable day.  While at the dinner table I told them the part of my Medjugorje experience that I had previously withheld.  I told them of the voice and my call to become a passionist.   They were very affirming and believing.  John told me that when I announced that I was going to Medjugorje he prayed that it would help me hear God’s call to be a priest, which he had sensed I had for quite a while.  I called my other siblings who were not at the dinner and they too were very supportive.

    I joined a new Medjugorje Prayer group in Ambridge, Pa. in March of 1987.  The Friday evenings of rosary, Mass and social gathering helped me to find many people who were already very close to God in their personal lives.  Quite a few had been to Medjugorje or made a pilgrimage there during 1987 or 1988.   I met people like elderly Mary Cvetic who probably was a real mystic.  God used her as an instrument to help and to heal people.  She felt strongly I had a vocation long before I told her my story.   This prayer group helped me tremendously as I prepared to follow God’s call.   Quite a number of lay men who are priests today belonged to that prayer group in the late 1980”s and early 1990’s.

 

    Thanksgiving weekend of 1987 there was a vocation retreat at the passionist retreat Center in Riverdale , New York.   I attended it and met many Passionists and shared my desire to become a passionist.    But the day before I went to New York I pounded a “FOR SALE” sign in front of my home after signing a contract with a real estate agency.  I reasoned that it would take several months to find a buyer.  I felt far more confident that the Passionist Community would accept me than they felt at that time.   I  just felt that god would guide them to accept me at the next admissions board in April 1988.    With my home sold it would be easy for me to leave as soon as they said ‘yes”.    I never moved with such confidence before , but I felt that since I had turned my life over to God, he was in change and could move any barriers in the way. 

    At he New York Vocation retreat the presentations were good and I met other potential applicants.  At the end of the retreat they asked that if anyone felt interested in applying for admission to just come forward and receive the application forms.   As I approached the director held back the application.  He said something to the effect that he was sorry, but he could not offer one to me.  Then noticing my surprise and disappointment he said something to the effect.  Well, here is an application, but do not fill it out unless I call you at your home and give you an okay.

    Ten days later I received a call on the phone and when I answered the caller just simply said, “Go for it. Fill it out.”  I had to ask who was calling me for he had not given me his name.  It was Fr. Francis Landry, the Vocation Director who had previously and prudently said  “no” to Fr. Edwin request on my behalf.  More doors were opening.

    My home was sold while my Christmas tree was still up and the closing was in February 1988 long before the passionist application process was completed and two months before the Admission Board even met to consider my application.   I felt very confident but was going on faith in God only.   This was the type of risky decisions I would never have made in my life previously.  But I felt that God was moving everything.    I sold or gave away most of what fills a five room home and integral garage and moved what remained into a one room basement apartment in a building where I had a few years earlier lived a two bedroom apartment.

    I felt no difficulty in giving up most of what I owned.  This was truly a grace from God.  I felt free and it was a joy to give my possessions to others.    In the process of buying a home and selling it again in less that two years I had lost about $7000. in closing costs.  The sale price was identical to my buying price.

    In March 1988 I decided that I should resign from my job as a Nuclear Medicine Technologist at Mercy Hospital at the end of May.  This would afford me time to get ready to go into Passionist formation if they accepted me.  And if I were rejected I would have time to apply to the Western Province of the passionists,  or another religious order or to the Pittsburgh Diocesan priesthood.  It was clear I my mind that medical technology would not be my work for the remainder of my life.

   There are times you have to walk with the Lord with confidence in Him even when you cannot see the future.     I knew I was taking a risk in leaving my job that all would fall through, I could be out of work and not accepted by anyone for the priesthood and living in a one room apartment.    But I had a peaceful , even joyful feeling that God was with me.

   My notice of resignation was given at work in late March of early April with a designated late May departure date.  I had calculated carefully that I had sufficient savings in the bank after receiving vacation pay and closing my IRA to cover my medical insurance and personally costs and tuition while in the first year or two of the seminary. 

   On May 2 , three weeks before I left work I received a call at the hospital from Fr. Francis Landry. He congratulated me for having been accepted into the Passionist formation program along with three other men.    I would need to be in Philadelphia in August.

      On May 27, 1988 I retired from Mercy Hospital after a celebration with my fellow workers.  I received much encouragement from all of them especially from my Moslem co-worker, Ashraf  Hussein, and my Hindu co-worker, Kanta Patel.  I have maintained contact with several of my fellow workers to this date December 2007.

 

 

         On August 29 I moved out of my one room apartment with the help of my brother, Paul.   I visited, my brother Tom and his wife, Gaye, my aunt Margy, and stayed overnight at the home of my sister Mary Ann and her husband , Paul.

The next morning after Mass at my parish church, St. Philip I started for Philadelphia by way of Emmitsburg, Md to see my brother, ]John.  It felt strange yet exciting to leave my home town of Pittsburgh not knowing how life would go, but knowing I had placed it in God’s hands.  I had a nice visit with John and then completed the trip to Philadelphia by 9 Pm staying at a motel overnight.  The next day I located LaSalle University and registered for classes and then found my way to St. Michael’s Passionist Residence.   I met my new formation Director, Fr. Gerald Laba, C.P., who is presently (2007) my Rector and retreat Director of our Passionist Community in Pittsburgh.   It would not be until 2006 that I was assigned and , therefore, living back in my hometown of Pittsburgh.

  

    Passionist Formation was an adventure in new relationships, new ways of living in community.   Growing up in a large family and spending three years in the Army helped me adjust to community life.      Everything was not a perfect fit and there were growing experiences and adapting experiences.

   At he end of the first two years information I was almost not accepted into the Novitiate.  

There were still reservations on the part pasionists who had to make the difficult decisions about everyone who applied for further formation.  Some felt that I could not make the grade in the academic area because of my age.  All religious communities have had some had some disappointing experiences after admitting candidates who ultimately were not suitable for religious life and the priesthood.   Cautious prudence is important.     I was ultimately admitted to the Novitiate which began in September 1990 and I found the year tremendous.   At the end of my novitiate year my Novice Master , Fr. Richard Burke, C.P., said he did not see any reasons for my not taking vows as a Passionists.   The date was set for Sunday September 1. 1991.   However, because of a schedule conflict for the Provincial the date was moved to September 8.   Three of us would take vows on that date, Blaine Brezinski, and Dennis Foley, and myself, and then we would immediately go to Chicago to begin four years of theology studies.

   The new date for vow profession was very meaningful for me.  September 8 is the Churches date for celebrating the Birthday of the Blessed Mother.  It was she who called me to Medjugorje and led me to her Son.   September 8 was the wedding anniversary of my parents.  Paul Geinzer and Barbara Voye we married on September 8 , 1938.    Not  only these two significant events felon September 8, but this date is also the date on which my Jesuit brother , Eugene, took vows as a Jesuit in 1964.   I think this date was set for my vows in heaven, by a committee of my parents and Mary.

 

     Studies in Chicago a t Catholic Theological Union went reasonably smoothly for me.   These years were great in that my brother, Gene, was assigned to Loyola University in northern Chicago for the whole time.  He was chairman of Loyola University’s  Department of Fine Arts with a large faculty and a major budget under his direction.  We had many excellent visits together during this time of my theology studies. 

   The academic life demanded all of my time but was not really difficult  for me because less depended upon memory and more was based on papers written for classes.   There were very few in-class objective tests and many essays.

    I had the opportunity to study with seminarians from around the world and  from many different religious communities.

     On June 15, 1995 at age 54 I was ordained a priest at Immaculate Conception Parish Church in New York City.   In 2003 I would be assigned to this multi-ethnic parish as a parochial vicar.

 

     For the first few years of my priesthood I stepped out into the sanctuary to celebrate Mass with the feeling that I did not really belong in the sanctuary, that I should rightfully be in the pews with the congregation.  This may seem odd to the reader.  But for me it was simply a reflection of the my lived experience of 54 years of  participating at Mass from the pews as a lay person.  The feeling ,however, was more than one of being in the wrong location.  I have never felt worthy to be a priest, and I have always felt that there are many persons out there in the pews who are far holier than myself.    This I know is the actual truth.  It is a humbling experience to stand up front in the church and preside at Mass.

    I have learned many times over time and one is that God deliberately does not choose the best persons available to do his work.   He takes somewhat broken persons so that any good they accomplish will reflect on Himself not his instrument.   Priests are God’s instruments.  I know that many times I do not know what to say in my homily until I start to write it down.  Then when it is finished I wonder where some of these insights or words came from.  It is a very humbling  yet joyful experience.   Many Sundays as I walk from the presider’s chair to the pulpit to read the Gospel and preach I am quietly praying, “Lord please let the people hear what you want them to hear.”   I know this is His work not mine.  If any one ever compliments me on something in my homily I tell them with sincerity,  “That is from God”.   I cannot take credit for God’s work.   God works through a priest even in his ineptness and even at times  without the priest’s awareness.    It is a joy to serve the Lord.  Yet many times I sense my laziness, and inadequacies, and lack of charity, and insufficient time spent in prayer, and realize that some day I will have to account to God for this.  It is so great that we have a Merciful God.

 

     I have served as a parish assistant in three parishes, St. Ann’s in Scranton, Pa. , St. Peter’s in Greenville, NC, and Immaculate Conception Parish in Jamaica, New York City.  The people in all of these parishes have been very welcoming to me and very supportive.   I have had the privilege of Baptizing about 330 infants, children and adults, Confirmed 20 adults, presided at about 110 weddings, and celebrated the funeral Mass for 210 persons including my brother, Paul.  Parish ministry has been a deeply rewarding ministry.   Truly God has given me a hundred fold for what I left.  Now I am enjoying my second year in Retreat Ministry which has given me a somewhat slower pace ministry as I grow older.

All  of the Passionist Communities in which I have lived have been very hospitable and welcoming .   They have been communities which have helped me grow, and have supported me in times of troubles, and provided me a very warm home.   It is a privilege for me to serve as a Passionist and to live with men who have dedicated faithfully many decades of their lives to God.     I was very fortunate to have been called to this Congregation and I am so grateful to the community leaders who bent their own guidelines to allow this ‘old man’ to join them. 

 

 

   This current retreat season at St. Paul’s in Pittsburgh from September 2007 to May 2008 is affording me a very special opportunity to do what Christ challenged me to do in the room of apparitions October 22, 1986 (21 years ago).  “Can you preach my passion?”, was his  challenge.  In this year’s weekend theme retreat my forty minute conference is focused on Jesus’ Passion.   This is my first opportunity to preach on His Passion other than in seven to 10 minute homilies seasonally in parish work.   Each weekend forty to one hundred retreatants hear my conference on the Passion of Christ.    In addition to this opportunity, I am now offering a one hour workshop on contemporary apparitions.  This workshop covers Mary’s apparitions at Medjugorje, where my vocation call took place, and it covers two other contemporary mystical events in our world.   I do not tell my vocation story in this workshop.

    Mary in speaking to the visionaries of Medjugorje has told them that she personally invites many people to come to that site.  She has told the visionaries that many times these persons just think it was their idea, their initiative to go there.  But Mary said that in truth it is she who places the desire in persons to come.   Now I understand why I had the strange desire in May of 1986 to go to Medjugorje.  This strange new desire I reported in the early part of this mini biography.   Mary called me there and Jesus called me to serve him.  Mary always points to her Son and to God, not to herself.

 

     We in the world today are no longer living  in ordinary times in relationship to God.   These are very difficult and very special times for our world spiritually.    God is intervening in ways and with and intensity that most other generations Christians never experienced.  

       

    I have never questioned why God waited so late into my life to call me to the priesthood because I realize that this was the right time in my life and in the church for me to enter.   I do recognize now, that it also was God who guided me back in 1963 into my career of hospital work.  It seems to me that God does call some people to a split vocation according to his wisdom. 

 

   Our God is a God of surprises.                                      

                                                                                            Composed in December 2007

 

 

 

This concludes the limited Vocation autobiography of:

 

Fr. Patrick Joseph Geinzer, C.P.

D.O.B. 10 January, 1941

Medical Technologist and Nuclear Medicine Technologist 1963 to 1988

U.S Army 1965- 1969

Pilgrimage to Medjugorje, Yugoslavia   October 1986

Profession of Passionist vows   8 September 1991

Ordination to the priesthood   15 June 1995